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Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Diary of a Sankwas girl

I'll be the first to admit that I simply feel lost. I feel lost. I think I know why but then again it simply doesn't matter. I psyche myself up every morning with tried and tested mantras- come made up by me and some I've pulled off gold old cheesy motivational websites. For a few fleeting seconds I am filled with hope and confidence- 'it's going to be a good day' - i say to myself. And then as quickly as I've convinced myself that all is well that feeling washing over me again- I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

That said, who ever really knows what the hell they're doing all the time? You can't be self assured all the damn time can you? Well if it's possible then I've completely ignored that memo. Weirdly enough I find a tiny bit of solace in the despair. Amidst all the confusion I feel strangely safe. It doesn't even make sense to me, I know it doesn't make sense to you.

I'm plodding along at the gym and in my new job hoping that the need to succeed will grip me ever so tightly I'm only coming up for air ever so often. I had plans for the future- Plans for tomorrow, deadlines if you will, and with every passing day that these 'plans' fail to materialise I feel thrown off.

And then it hits me- one of the mantras I REALLY should be believing in is 'Planning is good, Allowing is better.' I can't make these anxiety laden plans and send then off into the universe and just expect life to travel in one direction at the same speed uninterrupted. I happily take the good and I accept the challenge of the not so pleasant. I can't predict the curve balls but I'm ready. Planning is good - Allowing is better

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