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Wednesday, 24 August 2016


I woke up in the middle of the night like I usually do most nights when I go to bed stressed out- spluttering, in a state of confusion and terrified. Terrified because I know what’s happening and I feel powerless to stop it, terrified because I’m not sure if I need an ambulance or not and terrified because I just don’t know when it will end. I got out of be, opened my window and let the wave of panic pas. In about ten minutes the 'episode' was over.

I don’t like to admit that I’ve always been an anxious person but I have. I can vividly remember the first time I learnt that all human beings will eventually die, I was about 8 or 9 at the time (I'm pretty sure I've shared this story too many times forgive me). I remember it mostly because of how bluntly my sister put it (mainly because she’d been asked to supervise my bath time and I wouldn’t stop mucking about). I was confused and scared and anxious for days. That’s probably one of my earliest memories of being so overwhelmed with panic it manifested itself physically- I simply couldn’t sleep, I thought about it for days and I felt sick to my stomach.

Now I’m not some tortured soul kept awake at night by the workings of my immensely creative mind. I'm far from that, and actually I take a comfort (selfishly) in the fact that we all suffer from some sort of anxiety at some stage in life. The degrees and the way this anxiety manifests of course varies from person to person but it’s more common than you could imagine.

It’s not at all shameful to admit that you are worried. Worried about life, anxious about tomorrow, your family, your mortality. It happens to the best of us, the rest of us- to all of us. I’m still learning to cope with panic attacks and anxiety- I know that it can be truly terrifying business but I also take comfort in knowing this too shall pass. The crippling seconds, minutes, hours shall pass.

I’ve tried things like relaxing before bed, tapping and breathing exercises which have worked well at different times to calm me down. Of course speaking with an expert is always a wonderful idea. Sometimes it can make you feel alone, like you’re going crazy, take a deep breath- This too shall pass~ Namaste

Monday, 22 August 2016

Take the L

Mate listen, sometimes you fall flat on your face and I’m not going to add ‘and that’s okay’, because guess what sometimes it’s not. It’s shit when life hands you shit cards.

Sometimes you fail in life and its downright embarrassing and it may take a while to recover from a setback. Sometimes you take a massive blow to your ego at work, in your love life or even with your family and you try and suck it up like ‘I got this’- nah my G, sometimes you haven’t got it and that’s what’s okay- accepting that you can’t control everything.

Admitting that we are all human and prone to fucking up big time actually reduces the L. It’s a humbling experience when life slaps you on the bollocks. Own your L, learn from it and keep it moving. You can’t always be the hero- every story needs a jackass of some sort and sometimes it’s you~ Namaste

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Moving on

Songs that remind you of them, an abundance of selfies on your mobile and friends you both now have joint custody of…. The demise of any relationship is never fun now is it? Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, finally saying adios to a romantic relationship can leave you feeling weird and displaced.

Everyone handles break ups differently- whilst some of us wallow in self-pity (and all our favourite snacks) others suddenly find that inner vim to do more, go out there and live life leaving all the ‘anguish’ in the dust.

It’s safe to say break ups are a complex thing and not one I have any qualifications to help with. I have a plethora of failed romances under my belt and my romantic decisions often leave my friends thinking ‘what the fuck Helen?’.

What has evolved and has made me feel better about failed attempts at dating, love and relationships is how I move on from them. I remember a particularly bad break up in 2010 which saw me drastically lose weight and put it back on all in one year. I went from not being able to sleep to thinking ‘do I even want to be here?’ (here being this planet! - YIKES).

Fast forward to the present and it’s a somewhat different story. I’ve found dealing with break ups and ‘this isn’t working’ chats (even when I’ve been the dumpee) much easier to deal with.  I talked about reclaiming your ‘POWER’ in my previous post and I really feel like this all ties together.

Sometimes you leave a relationship because you’re simply unhappy, try as you may things just don’t get better and the line between love and hate gets even thinner. Sometimes you’re left broken hearted because your significant other decides this is just not what they want, maybe you get cheated on or lied to. In any case reclaiming the power of SELF is a sure way to look beyond the hurt and the guilt. Reclaiming the power that makes you no longer want to feel like shit.

Find comfort in friends and family, do things you enjoy, put yourself first, be a little selfish and for the love of GOD don’t feel the need to pretend all is well if you’re truly not well. Speak to someone you trust and someone who allows you to get things off your chest. Heartbreak is a bitch but life must be lived, claim back that power to heal and don’t be afraid to move on~ Namaste.

Wednesday, 17 August 2016

Taking back the power

I turned 28 this year and it was almost as if a light switch had gone off in my head. I suddenly felt more confident, sexier, braver and more powerful. I kept telling everyone I felt different, I felt good and powerful.

I don’t think I’ve ever really used the word powerful to describe myself and honestly It felt good to be using that word. I had suddenly made a conscious decision to do things that I love and make me feel good and to discard all the shit that didn’t make me feel good. I found that a lot of anxiety I suffered with came from constantly doing things that didn’t ‘feel like me’ or things that didn’t come from my heart. I was basically doing the same old shit and getting…yup you guessed it, the same old shitty results. It was time to switch It up and give myself the upper hand.

I still have shit days, days where I don’t feel powerful at all, days where I feel helpless to change how I feel but I try and remind myself to reclaim that power! Can I get an Amen! I take back that power from thoughts of self-doubt, worry and anxiety.

If you ever feel any less powerful than you deserve to feel take back that power. Reclaim it by any means necessary and as often as necessary. Take back that power from people who make you feel insecure or unlovable or less valued. Take back the power when it comes to the way you feel, your health, your mental well-being. Take back that power period.

Feel free to bask in your power. Learn to say NO to the things that don’t enhance your being. You are strong and you are powerful ~ Namaste

Monday, 1 August 2016

Diary Of a Sankwas Girl- Destination Addiction

I very recently discovered ‘destination addiction’. I say very recently because up until now I didn’t quite realize there was a term for it- made up or not, it suddenly made sense to me.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve thought ‘I will be happy when….’ or in fact how many times I’ve said it. ‘I will be happy when I lose 25 lbs’, ‘I will be happy when my boyfriend and I sort things out’, ‘I will be happy when my hair grows out’. And the list goes on and on.

Don’t get me wrong I still do it now- believe that happiness is a destination, that somehow it’s never truly where I am. It’s in a place where quite frankly things are perfect and rosy. Its normal to feel anxious for instance before an exam or work deadline and then be relieved and happy when it’s done, however putting life on hold because you’re waiting for perfect conditions is unhealthy and really no way to live- Note to self.

I put off things like getting a PT certificate because I was waiting to lose 25lbs- still haven’t trained for that PT certificate and shhhhh about the 25lbs. I was constantly waiting for perfect conditions to do things, waiting for that perfect destination where happiness was waiting for me. It’s taking a lot of time and a lot of convincing myself that I can choose to be happy where I am now, not 25lbs lighter, single, struggling to save up money for all my dreams. I no longer have to wait to be in a relationship to be happy, to have a hefty bank account or be a certain size.

Not every day is as positive as this one, But I remind myself constantly that it will all be okay. I’ve relaunched my fitness website, I’m not waiting to be a certain size to post my ‘outfit of the day’ and I’m embracing each day whatever life throws at me. If happiness is a destination then it’s right here, right now, where I am~ Namaste.

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