Diary of a Sankwas girl

I often talk about having 'transport rage' jokingly of course. But today it hit me. I am ANGRY. In fact I'm livid. Or at least I can be. I didn't realise how angry I was until someone 'accidentally' grazed my arm as they hurried for their train. My reaction was anything but ladylike. And then a second later I felt guilty and had to ask myself why on earth I'm so angry.

Actually I might have realised yesterday that I was seething when a lady tried to cut the queue in Sainsbury's and I gave her the dirtiest look and reminded her 'there's a queue'- with a lot of head bopping might I add.

I don't know why I'm feeling the rage or have been feeling the rage in the last few days. Especially since I'm attempting to channel my inner zen and change the way I look at life. What I am liking though is the self- awareness these days. Being able to recognise that I feel a certain way, even if I don't know why. I'm not a fan of feeling like a 'victim'. If you can't change some shit around you, change your attitude towards it.

That said, I'm going to work hard on putting 'transport rage' on the back burner, and yes supermarket rage as well- lol. It's energy I can spend one feeling better, being better.

Namaste

Diary of a sankwas girl

Sometimes you find yourself doing things for the hell of it. Going through the motions they call it. Auto pilot, cruising..... you catch my drift. It's so easy to get caught up in the routine of life, the 'just doing' aspect. The flip side to being so overly aware that you're going through the motions is that you try so hard to not do that and you over complicate things. Well I do. I almost feel like I need to do something huge and crazy to prove that I'm not like the masses just waking up, earning a living, going home, making dinner etc.

In actual fact, the pressure to not go through the motions makes me more anxious. Which isn't always a bad thing, because I've come to almost accept anxiety, but it just makes you feel like 'something has to give'. These days my love life (or lack there of) is the bane of my existence. Trying to unravel all the complicated webs I've woven is not only daunting but exhausting. I kid you not when I say I fall in love everyday. I'm addicted to going back to the past even when I've convinced myself it is the selfish thing to do. I'm in a weird 'have I made the right decision/do I want to date/am I doomed' loop. It's making me loopy. But I digress. If you're on auto pilot it's really not the be all and end all of life. By all means drag yourself out of cruise control but don't force it. Baby steps- you're the pilot.

Diary of a Sankwas girl

Its the first of the month! I love the newness the first of each month brings. If you know me you know I'm not one to start a diet on a Monday or make too many new year resolutions. I believe you can start afresh any damn day you want to! But I do love the first of the months. It's a good way to press refresh on life and put things into perspective.

In the spirit of reducing anxiety and feeling overwhelmed I'm embarking on some sort of 'September Cleanse'. The detail of this are not too clear to me but I am keen to try different things. Step outside my comfort zone if you will. I'm used to being the loud mouth in any setting, the hub of crazy energy. Most of that being anxious energy might I add. So for 'September Cleanse' I am challenging myself to do things differently, to find strength in the quiet. I'm making the rules up as I go along.

I enjoy the chaos sometimes. I find comfort in the deep pockets of anxiety sometimes because It's really all I know. I might just give up after a few days and say fuck it? Or I might learn a thing or two about myself. I might even post more on here. Not making any promises.

Be still peeps

Namaste.